Zarith Sofiah Idris : A letter to my son, Jalil

Zarith Sofiah Idris

A letter to my son, Jalil :

My darling Lil, 

I know the only reason you wanted to be in hospital was because you were in great pain but that you really wanted to be home : you've been in too many hospitals too many times. But Allah, in His Infinite wisdom, placed you there so that we, your family, would spend as much time as we could with you. 

I have a thousand and one memories of you during your last days in this world.
I remember, once, you closed your eyes and tears flowed onto your cheeks, as you fought the pain, and I held your left hand and I wept, trying hard not to make any sounds. I thought you could not see me cry because your eyes were closed but you knew, and you put your right hand over mine and you patted it, as if you were saying, "Don't cry, I am all right."

I remember all the text messages you sent me. When I wrote that I was praying for you, you wrote back that you had prayed too, but that you had asked Allah to let you bear the burden of my worries. 

When I looked at your grave, my heart ached with pain. I watched your father and your brothers fill it up with earth while Boo and Inah stood near me. I looked at your brothers and counted three sons. Boo was beside me. There are five of you. Where was my fifth son? And then I realised it was you who was missing. I had forgotten you were beneath the mounds of earth.

And I held up my hands and whispered "From You we come, and to You we return. I return to You, O Allah, my son."

May you be with the righteous, my son.

Warkah buat anakku, Jalil :

Mama tahu, satu satunya sebab Lil pergi kehospital adalah kerana Lil berada menanggung kesakitan yang amat sangat. Lil sebenarnya hendak kekal tinggal di rumah : Lil telah terlalu terlalu kerap ke hospital.
Namun Allah S.W.T., Yang Maha Mengetahui, menempatkan Lil disana agar kami, keluarga Lil, dapat meluangkan sebanyak masa bersama Lil.

Mama menyimpan seribu satu kenangan tentang Lil ketika Lil menghabiskan hari hari terakhir Lil di dunia ini.
Mama terkenang satu ketika sewaktu Lil memejam mata dan air mata menitis di pipi Lil, semasa Lil cuba melawan kesakitan yang ditanggung. Mama memegang tangan kiri Lil dan menangis. Mama mencuba sedaya upaya untuk menahan sedu sedan Mama dari kedengaran. Mama fikir, Lil tidak nampak Mama menangis kerana mata Lil pejam. Tapi Lil tahu. Lil meletak tangan kanan Lil diatas tangan Mama dan menepuk nepuk dengan perlahan, seolah berkata "Jangan menangis, Lil tidak apa apa."

Mama ingat semua mesej pesanan ringkas yang Lil hantar kepada Mama. Bila Mama mengatakan bahawa Mama telah berdoa untuk Lil, Lil membalas dengan mengatakan bahawa Lil juga telah berdoa dan memohon kepada Allah S.W.T. biarlah Lil yang menanggung semua kebimbangan Mama.

Bila mama melihat makam Lil, hati mama dipenuhi keperitan. Mama masih terbayangkan detik ketika Babah, abang dan adik Lil memenuhkan kubur dengan tanah sementara Boo dan Inah berdiri disisi Mama. Mama memandang kearah abang dan adik Lil, dan membilang hanya tiga anak lelaki. Boo disisi mama. Anak lelaki Mama lima orang. Dimana anak mama yang lagi seorang? Dan mama baru tersedar bahawa Lil yang tiada. Lil kini berada dibawah timbunan tanah itu. 

Dan pada ketika itu, mama menadah kedua tangan mama dan berbisik, "Sesungguhnya dariMu kami datang, dan kepadaMu jua kami kembali. Daku memulangkan kepadaMu, Ya Allah, anakku."

Moga Lil ditempatkan bersama mereka yang soleh.